My anxiety has limited me in so many ways. I have anxiety about almost everything in my life. When I was in high school I had anxiety every single day about what people were going to think and what people were going to say. If someone said something to me in high school that bothered me I would think about it over and over and over and over again for years. There are things that people have said that I still think about today and if I think about it causes me anxiety.
It limited me because I didn't go to grad parties, and I only went to high school parties with my friends who were older than me so when they graduated it was very hard for me to fit in with my class because I had such anxiety about those people.
I get really bad anxiety about new places. If I have to go somewhere I have never been it is a struggle. Going to a doctors office I've never been to is impossible, making phone calls somewhere new is tough. I have a real fear of new places and I hate that about myself. I wish that I could just run out and go anywhere I wanted and do anything I want but things such as going to a little store that I've never been to where I don't know where to park and I don't know where the entrance is, is a big deal to me. There are things I haven't done because of this. For example, the other day I won lunch through the radio station. They had a trivia question and I answered correctly and I won lunch and I have to go to the radio station to pick up the voucher. But I probably won't, simply because I don't exactly know where the radio station building is, I don't know where the door is, I don't know where to go once I am inside, etc., so I probably will not go pick that up it.
I hate calling people. I hate it. If it's someone like my mom or a friend, I have no problem, but if I have to call the doctors office to make an appointment or if I have to call the CRA about taxes, those things terrify me. I don't why but they do. I even hate phoning for delivery. I hate phoning Boston pizza and having them deliver. That's why I love online ordering or else Brendon orders because I can't do it.
Brendon is amazing at handling my anxiety. He doesn't always know what to say or do most of the time but he gets that I can help, he gets that I can't make a phone call or I can't go somewhere scary. It might seem silly to him but he never tells me that he thinks it's silly. He accepts it which is very important in a partner when you have anxiety.
There are days where I do not get anything done even when I have 1 million things to do because I am so overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel anxious about nothing at all. I feel like I can't breathe, I get headaches, I feel so on edge. It is the worst feeling ever, I hate it so much. Sometimes it means I don't sleep, which is 90% of the time, Sometimes I don't eat and sometimes I am very irritable.
So I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard for me to blog sometimes. It's hard for me to find the time and it's not that I need to find time in my day, it's that I need to find time within myself to focus on my blog instead of focusing on my anxiety. I don't have anxiety about writing a blog, but sometimes it is really hard to write when I feel so overwhelmed by everything else.
I really want to keep blogging. I really want to put myself out there. I have zero anxieties about my blog, I just want to do it for myself and I don't want my anxiety to get in the way of that. My anxiety gets in the way of so many things I want to do in my life that I don't want my blog to be one of them.
I am working on myself. I have been to the doctor and I have been offered medication but I will not take it unless I need to. I am not a pill pusher. I would rather take a look at myself within and take a step back and realize who I am and try and fix myself piece by piece. I don't think that medication is the cure for me, it is for some people but I don't think it is for me. I've read books, I've tried meditation, and I have done a few other things but it's also hard for me to do those things because I get anxiety about doing them. But just know that I'm working on myself and making a conscious effort to be better. I don't want Owen to not be able to do things because his mom has such bad anxiety. He is more important than my anxiety and I don't want to limit him like I limited myself.
So to anyone that might be reading this that has anxiety or feels overwhelmed or feels like they have so much going on that they can't make sense of anything, just know that it's okay. It's normal and there are people out there like you and it's not something to be ashamed of. It's a mental illness which is just the same as someone having any other kind of medical condition. It is not curable but it is manageable and it is just as serious as someone who has a heart murmur or somebody who has a disease. It's a tough thing to live with and it can be life-threatening.
So just know that you're not alone if you feel so overwhelmed that you want to burst, talk to someone, find something to do that puts your anxious thoughts on hold for a minute. I get very restless but I don't want to do anything so what I do is I put on trash TV and I will knit or crochet to keep my hands busy but it's relaxing enough that it keeps me from thinking about everything else in my life.
I know that this is a long post and I know that some of you might not understand and that's fine. I'm not looking for sympathy and not looking for a hand to hold, I just wanted to explain why I have an issue with writing these days.
I will do my best to post more. I want to blog more about family, about my life in general. I have a few different hauls and reviews to do and I am really determined to keep going.
xoxo
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